Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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