I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
