We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
