Soap is not a condiment
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I am midnight drunk by noon
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
