apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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