DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
