I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
