If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
