Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
