I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
