I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My vagina is officially offended.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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