eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
