the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
