I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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