Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
