At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
