I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
