hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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