Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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