Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
