We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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