Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
