My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
