My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
