The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
