So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
