Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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