i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
