someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
