my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
