the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
