i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
