Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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