Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
