he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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