there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
