hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
