we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
