I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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