Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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