Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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