Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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