the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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