I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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