he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
