wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
