I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
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He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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