Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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