our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I FOUND THE LEGS
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
