I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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