Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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