i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
