does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
