At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He shit in the fireplace
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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