i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
