Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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