It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My Sexting was not on an AP level
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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