this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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