He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
